This weekend I had the opportunity to attend the #ChooseJoy2016 faith based conference for people suffering from infertility. It was a wonderful experience which I am still digesting. I met a lot of amazing people, who GET IT. Women who have had multiple miscarriages, who have various "lady ailments" that have prevented them from growing their families. I met couples who are pursuing adoption through various facets, women currently going through fertility treatments, and folks who are on the other side of the storm. They have "made it" in the eyes of those of us who do not have precious babies at home to parent, but are still there healing their hearts. Because a baby doesn't solve everything. It does not take away the heartache of losing a dream, the heartache of not being able to conceive, or the heartache of being dealt the super crappy situation of giving birth to a baby who is not alive.
When I shared my story with people, I was able to do so knowing that I wouldn't have to answer uncomfortable questions. When they said they would pray for me, I actually believed them. When they told me that I was brave for being there, so soon after losing Kyle, I believed them and thanked them authentically. I will admit to worrying that I would potentially be told that "everything happens for a reason", or "it was god's will." I was not given any of these ridiculous and damaging platitudes that people of faith so often cling to and offer up to those of us who are suffering. I did not know how I would feel being there, losing Kyle has made me wrestle with my own faith. Why would a God who is good make someone suffer so much? Why would God allow me to get pregnant when I was scheduled for surgery to cure my "lady ailment" (FYI... septate uterus, google it). Why would God allow me to carry this sweet baby boy for 30 wonderful weeks before taking him from us?
Here's why. Because God is good all the time. When I am able to get my mind into a happier place, one of gratitude, I do believe that God is Good. God's goodness allowed me to carry Kyle long enough to see and hear his heartbeat. His goodness allowed us time of celebration with our families, gender reveal cupcakes and balloons, and feeling movements that clued us into his personality and disposition. Kyle kicked a lot at night, was quieter in the mornings, and he made me crave Mac & Cheese and Nachos. A baby after my own heart. Kyle was either really excited, or bored out of his mind during a finance meeting I had to sit through at work, because he would not settle down. No really, he had serious feelings about non-profit agency budgets. Future accountant? We will never know. God is good because I was able to carry sweet Kyle long enough to experience child birth. Yes, I didn't get to experience it the way I imagined and envisioned. It wasn't exciting, it was terrifying. I might never know what it is like to to labor and have a happy ending, to hear my child's cry. But I do know what it is like to lay eyes on the person you love the most in the world for the first time. I know what the primal motherly instinct to protect and love your baby is. My baby isn't here on earth for me to protect. So until the day I die I will protect his memory. I will work to make his life mean something, to help him leave his mark on the world.
In the dark days after we left the hospital that left us in a haze of sadness and despair, I wanted more than anything to hear from other Mother's who were living life after stillbirth. That is what I hope to do here. You might get a little bit of DIY, travel and adventure, self care, and some #BeKindforKyle stories of random acts of kindness. It has been almost 9 months since we said hello and goodbye to Kyle, since our lives changed forever. I'm ready to share the story and hopefully be a beacon of hope to other still mamas. I don't know how this story ends. I am not doing grief perfectly. It is messy and frustrating and so easy to get into a pit of despair. But if Kyle's story can help anyone else facing this, then I want to share it. I am hoping that this will be a community of hope and kindness. A community where I work hard to #choosejoy, but share some of the crappy stuff too. I don't have all the answers, and I do still have my moments of grief anger and rage. But I am making progress every day. Join me.
